Conservative Common Man

The United States Senate and House of Representatives have come together to float a sweeping bi-partisan plan to provide every citizen, immigrant, and illegal alien his or her constitutional right to consequence avoidance. This move comes as no surprise to observers that have noticed our government’s steady leftward march. Our re-branding as the U.S.S.A. became more of a reality with this new initiative.

Fans of government control and power of the state will be rejoicing in the streets as a result of the creation of a new cabinet level position, Secretary of Consequence Prevention. The Department of Consequence Prevention will have the challenging but rewarding task of ensuring that the electorate of this nation never have to endure any consequence which might result directly or indirectly from a decision or action.

The cost of this plan will be deliciously enormous since there is no price to high for the protection of the little people. To ensure that the cost is covered as fully as possible the IRS will be collecting 100% of each wage earner’s pay at the end of each pay period. This should not be cause for concern as retailers and service providers will no longer be allowed to charge for their services. It seems unlikely that anyone would take more than his or her share of any free service or good, but there will be armed federal agents at each store and business just in case.

You might be having trouble envisioning how this will work so here is an example of a typical morning of a citizen reaping the new protective benefits:

Sam wakes up to the gentle nudges of the Secret Service agent assigned to his home. The agent must wake Sam up to prevent the risk of electrical shock that could result from Sam hitting the snooze button of his electric clock radio with an unprotected hand.

Sam swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands with the help of the agent. Sam and the agent walk with a “flooping” sound (created by the agent’s non-slip suction sole shoes) to the bathroom where the agent inspects the shower to ensure that the non-slip surface, grab bars, and temperature controls meet HO-SHA (Home Safety and Health Administration) standards. The agent then inspects the toilet to ensure that there are no pinch points and gives the all clear.

The agent escorts Sam from the bathroom back to the bedroom, where the gray uniform of the resident is hanging. The agent shields his eyes with one hand while holding onto Sam with the other as Sam dons the approved attire. Once dressed, Sam sits on the bed and zips up his own non-slip suction sole shoes. (Note that there are no laces, therefore no potential tripping hazard.) Sam stands with the help of the agent and they “flop, flop” to the kitchen.

Sam prepares his instant oatmeal with room temperature water and offers the agent a room temperature cup of Uncle Sam’s instant de-caffeinated coffee. The agent politely declines and waits patiently for Sam to finish. Sam’s toothbrush and toothpaste ration are next to his bowl and a 2 ounce cup of water is also waiting to help Sam fight the dangers of tooth decay and gingivitis (not to mention oatmeal halitosis.) The agent informs Sam that the transport has arrived.

Sam boards the transport and takes a seat. Once his harness is secure, the driver signals the forward escort and the procession moves on to the next pick up point. Eventually Sam arrives at work and is escorted to his station by a U.S. Marshall who will monitor the conditions under which Sam is expected to perform.

Okay, so the preceding did not happen, but given that states like Illinois don’t allow bar owners to decide if smoking can occur in their establishments (while allowing statutory rapists to bring their under age victims across state lines for abortions) and the fact that some in government feel compelled to alleviate the consequences of poor mortgage decision making, it is sadly not all that far-fetched.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS