I have a pet peeve. This is the epitome of my pet peeve:

Hello World,

We’re the New Christians. Nice to meet you. Fact is, many of you know us or think you know about us. This is just a way for us to let you know what we’re like and what we do. We’re normal people like you first of all. We go to Starbucks, watch movies, and enjoy reading Harry Potter. We attend public schools and use curse words sometimes. We’re the New Christians.

Here’s a quick profile of us:

• We vote Republican and Democrat. We’ve learned from our parents’ mistakes. We know that there’s more to politics than abortion and gay marriage. We stand for non-discrimination against gays and we crusade for social justice.
• Speaking of social justice, did you know that we started Invisible Children and International Justice Mission? Christians have been helping the poor for centuries. For example, we started orphanages and leper colonies. Today, we proudly carry on that tradition.
• We hang out in bars. Yup, turns out that Jesus hung out with people by going to parties. So we’re loosening up, having a drink, and learning to have fun.
• We’re not here to convert you. If you ask us, and if we have an opportunity, we’ll share what we believe. But becoming a Christian is a very personal decision that cannot be forced. We know that, and we’d never push you to do something you don’t want to do.
• We think Christian music is cheesy too. It’s true. We love that South Park episode as much as you do. We’re working on making better bands. Try Relient K, Switchfoot, and Mae sometime.
• We have brains and use them. That’s right. We have reasons for what we believe including logical arguments and archaeological evidence. Who says faith has to be blind?
• We’re cool with evolution. What? Really? It’s true! There’s this book out by Francis Collins that explains how Christianity and evolution can work together. Did I mention that Collins was head of the Human Genome Project AND a Christian? Look it up yourself.
• We think Pat Robertson is nuts too. Let’s leave it there okay?
• We’re not that interested in divisions anymore. We’re starting to hang out together as Methodists, Presbyterians, Baptists, and even some Orthodox and Catholics have joined the ranks.

People who call themselves Christians (Christ-like) but follow a liberal theology that is, at best, only mildly heretical.

I was thinking about how I might best express my feelings toward this new brand of Christianity and I came up with this response:

Hello “New Christians,”

I’m an “Old Christian.” I found your letter to the world quite interesting. As admirable as your zeal for reaching the world is, I wonder if you might not have gotten around to reading Romans 12:2 yet, seeing as you’re new to the faith and all. “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” There is a fine line between being of this world (John 8:23) and conforming to this world. In other words, although I enjoy a Starbucks Chai Frappuccino as much as the next person — since I am of this world, after all — I am not so sure cursing stays within the same “of this world” boundaries. In fact, I believe that Paul is pretty clear in Ephesians 4:29 when he states, “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” I’m curious as to how the f-word or b-word, etc. would be “good for edification” and “give grace to those who hear.” Anyway, I thought I would give you some spiritual food for thought in response to your quick profile.

• I find it interesting that you consider the pro-life beliefs of us “old Christians” to be a mistake. Social justice is an admirable cause indeed, but do you not consider striving to save the lives of innocent unborn children necessary and Christian as well? When Proverbs 31:8-9 reads, “Open your mouth for the speechless, in the cause of all who are appointed to die. Open your mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy,” are the unborn somehow exempt from this instruction?
• Re: “We hang out in bars.” I’d just remind you of Romans 13:13-14, “Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lust.“
• Re: “We’re not here to convert you.” Really? I’d be interested in hearing your interpretation of Matthew 28:19-20, “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” I’m not saying that we should look at our secular friends and family simply as people to be converted, but if you are not concerned about their eternal destiny, what kind of friend are you?
• Re: Christian music. Seriously, that’s all you have? Are you so desperate to be in the popular crowd at school that you generalize all Christian music as lame? Maybe the older groups like Carman, DCTalk, Petra, and the Gaithers don’t appeal to you - but are you really being Christ-like by so immaturely dismissing them? Concerning South Park, refer back to Ephesians 4:29 and perhaps Romans 12:2.
• Re: Your brains. Thanks. It’s really considerate of you, and again, so Christ-like, to imply that as opposed to you, the “old Christians” don’t use their brains. Interesting, you think the Cornell admissions committee would have figured that one out before letting me in. By the way, have you ever read Proverbs 1:7? “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.”
• Re: Evolution. Really, this one is too easy. Genesis 1:1, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” Sorry, contrary to popular liberal theological opinion, there is not a lot of room for interpretation in the first couple chapters of Genesis - especially in the original Hebrew, which I somehow managed to learn without my brain, apparently. One God, six days. Pretty awesome, isn’t He?
• Re: Pat Robertson. I highly recommend you commit Ephesians 4:29 to memory and then explain to me how calling a fellow Christian a “nut” is edifying and grace giving.
• Finally, re: denominational divisions. You know, I almost agree with you here. I couldn’t care less about denominational titles and distinctions. However, I couldn’t care more about theological distinctions and statements of faith. It’s completely fine to hang out with individuals who prescribe to a different set of beliefs. Just remember, there is only one truth and one way to heaven. John 14:6, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.”