MUTH’S TRUTHS

Now that the day of peace-on-earth-goodwill-toward-men is almost behind us, let’s waste no time in getting back to the really important things in life: Like ridiculing our elected representatives.

The Legislature reconvenes in just over a month, and without doubt we have some serious, pressing problems that need to be dealt with – first and foremost the budget, but also the continuing decline in public education. And with just 120 days to complete their business, you’d think legislators would set priorities and not waste time, effort and money on frivolous, senseless legislation.

And of course, you’d think wrong.

Legislators have already submitted hundreds upon hundreds of bill draft requests (BDRs) which the taxpayer-funded Legislative Counsel Bureau (LCB) must research and write in legislative form. Bills which are not only silly, frivolous or outright insane, but bills which continue the growth and expansion of government despite the fact that Nevadans can’t afford the government we already have.

Not that some of these bills don’t “sound” good, but ask yourself, “Is this really a legitimate and essential function of taxpayer-funded government?” For example, there’s a bill requiring “certain training in the correct installation of child restraint seats. Another would make failure to wear a seatbelt a “primary offense.” Not that wearing a seatbelt isn’t a good idea, but don’t cops have more important “crimes” to worry about?

There’s another bill to prohibit “minors from using cell phones” while driving. Again, not a bad idea in theory, but how are we going to pay all the additional “cell phone cops” to enforce such a law. And won’t the police have to “profile” drivers in order to pull over only minors, or will they have to pull over everyone using a cell phone so as not to discriminate?

There’s also a bill to “prohibit cyber bullying.” Yeah, there’s a priority which police and the courts will easily be able to police.

There are also bills to grow or change existing government agencies or programs which instead ought to be seriously considered for elimination. For example, the Advisory Council on the State Program for Fitness and Wellness. Wouldn’t that money be better spent in a classroom?

Or how about the Office for Consumer Health Assistance, the Nevada Commission on Sports, the Nevada Youth Legislative Issues Forum, “programs of multicultural education,” the Greater Las Vegas After-School All-Stars program, the Commission of Educational Excellence, the Dairy Commission, the Taxicab Authority, the Nevada Auto Theft and Insurance Fraud Task Force, state grazing boards, the Office of Faith Based and Community Initiatives, the Regional Transportation Commissions, the P-16 Advisory Council, the Nevada Commission for the reconstruction of the V&T Railway, the Department of Cultural Affairs, the Southern Nevada Office of Nevada Humanities, the Online Nevada Encyclopedia (aren’t Google and Wikipedia good enough?), the State Board of Cosmetology, and the Office of the Ombudsman for Owners in Common-Interest Communities and Condominium Hotels.

Not to mention the useless/toothless Ethics Commission and the Agency for Nuclear Projects - aka, the Office of Yucca Disinformation and Bob Loux Cookie Jar.

Another non-essential government entity called the Commission on Postsecondary Education has requested a bill to provide for “the funding and reimbursement of persons who successfully complete an alcohol beverage awareness program.” When did this become something taxpayers should be forced to fund?

Meanwhile, yet another agency screaming to be shelved – the Consumer Affairs Division – has requested a bill “to increase registration fees for certain business organizations.” Great. Let’s just keep penalizing the very businesses we need to hire people and pull us out of this recession. Makes perfect sense.

Oh, and here’s a bill and agency we obviously absolutely, positively can’t live without: The State Board of Architecture, Interior Design and Residential Design has submitted a BDR to provide for “emeritus status for retired architects, interior designers and residential designers.” What the…?

Now, this one is a classic: The Commission on Special License Plates – which should be eliminated – has requested a bill for Legislators to vote on which will require “compensation for Legislators serving on the Commission of Special License Plates.” O…M…G!

And while Nevadans can’t afford our existing government, Assemblywoman Sheila Leslie has requested a bill to create the State Renewable Energy Transmission Authority. Lovely. Not to be outdone, Senate Majority Leader Steven Horsford has requested a bill to create a Statewide Education Efficiency and Equity Commission. Lovely squared.

But Sen. Horsford outdid himself by also requesting an even more critically important bill creating “a permanent Subcommittee on Juvenile Justice of the Advisory Commission on the Administration of Justice.” I believe the bill also provides for the hiring of a Deputy Chief Assistant to the Associate Director of Assistant Manager of the Chief Enforcement Officer of the Vice President of Administrative Oversight. Can’t have enough of those, can we?

Joining in the fun of growing an already over-grown government, Assemblyman Oceguera has requested a bill establishing a State Program for Vascular Health, while Assemblyman Mortensen wants to create a new Office of State Paleontologist. Meanwhile, Assemblyman Stewart wants more money to build a new nursing building at the Nevada State College - which not only never should have been built in the first place but ought to be closed down rather than expanded.

Speaking of Assemblyman Stewart, he’s also requested a bill to prohibit demonstrations at funerals or memorial services. You know, that First Amendment right to free speech is so antiquated anyhow.

And then there’s the seemingly unquenchable desire by some legislators to regulate to death anything and everything under the sun. For example, there are BDRs to regulate fitness professionals, mobile billboards, sheet metal workers, perfusionists (whatever the heck they are), certified medication aides, tanning salons, the sale of “novelty lighters,” dog breeders and even bus stops.

Former Sen. Dina Titus still has a BDR in to “remove the current presidential caucus system and restore the presidential preference primary system.” Which means taxpayers, instead of the political parties, will have to pay the expense of nominating a presidential candidate for the two major parties. Is that really an expense taxpayers should have to shoulder? Thanks, but no thanks.

And as if health care wasn’t already expensive enough, some legislators continue to propose additional “mandatory” coverages for health insurance policies – mandates guaranteed to drive monthly premiums even further through the roof. BDRs have been requested to force private insurance companies to cover autism screening and treatment, acupuncture and eating disorders.

Meanwhile, Assemblyman Munford has a bill request in to require “video service providers to provide discounted rates to senior citizens with a low income.” Government price fixing mandates of private businesses? Is this guy serious?

And what session of the Legislature would be complete without wasting time giving special awards and recognition to various individuals, dead and alive. There are BDRs to “memorialize” Rick Blakemore, William O. “Bud” Bradley, Ensio Joseph Tosolini, Gino Del Carlo, Bill Swackhamer, John Marvel, the PTA, Garn Mabey, Eugene Hoban, Steve Fossett, Justice Maupin, David H. Fulstone II, Doris Adair McDonald, Kiwanis Day, William J. Raggio and the Wildfire Support Group.

Meanwhile, Assemblyman Oceguera has wasted important LCB time and money requesting a bill designating “E Clampus Vitus Day at the Nevada Legislature,” while Assemblyman Kihuen has a BDR establishing “Cesar Chavez Day.” A healthier idea would be to establish a “Caesar Salad Day.”

Assemblyman Denis has a BDR encouraging “the celebration of America’s immigrant roots,” while Assemblyman Claborn has one requesting “a day to honor all North American Shrine Nevada Chapters” and Assemblywoman Parnell has requested a bill commemorating “the 100th anniversary of the Daughters of the American Revolution in Nevada.”

And let’s not forget Assemblyman Stewart’s important BDR designating “September 2009 as National Indoor Toxic Mold Awareness Month,” or Assemblywoman Gansert’s BDR designating “February 11, 2009, as Tissue and Organ Donor Day in Nevada,” or Assemblywoman McClain’s BDR proclaiming March as “Women’s History Month.”

And no, there is no BDR designating any “Men’s History Week,” let alone a “Transgendered History Day.” On the other hand, Sen. Copening has a BDR in to promote “statewide awareness of melanoma.” Yeah, nobody in Nevada has ever heard of skin cancer before, have they? Sheesh.

Back to Assemblywoman McClain for a moment, because she seems to have cornered the market on useless and frivolous BDRs.

Among her other requests is a call for Nevada to ratify the Equal Rights Amendment for women, indicating the woman is living in some kind of cosmic time warp. She’s also requested a bill requesting money from taxpayers “for programs that discourage eating disorders in children,” along with “an appropriation for the UNLV Women’s Research Institute.”

Once again, there’s no concomitant request for an appropriation for a UNLV Men’s Research Institute because…well, because there’s no such thing as a UNLV Men’s Research Institute. Apparently only women merit research on Nevada’s campuses of higher learning.

Oh, and there’s a critically important request from Sen. Weiner for a bill to express “the Legislature’s support for improving civic education in this State and recognizing ‘Participatory Democracy Day.’” Good grief.

Meanwhile, Assemblyman Goicoechea thought it important for LCB to draft a law “designating Engine No. 40 as the state locomotive.” Choo-choo!!

Assemblywoman Smith has requested critical legislation which “encourages parental involvement in public schools.” Yeah, that’ll fix the problem! But if it doesn’t, Sen. Coffin has just the ticket: A BDR requiring “pupils in certain grades of public schools to wear uniform clothing to classes.” No, Johnny can’t read…but at least he’s wearing the same dorky clothes as everyone else!

Back over in Sen. Weiner-land, there’s a BDR which “urges” the Department of Education “to employ a full-time physical education coordinator.” Apparently gym teachers in Nevada are having a hard time figuring out when to teach dodge ball and when to teach badminton.

Assemblyman Manendo sure has the state’s priorities straight, requesting a bill to require “the landscaping at veterans’ cemeteries in Nevada be natural turf.” Is there nothing sacred? Does the government really need to get involved in what kind of grass is used at cemeteries?

Assemblywoman Pierce has requested a bill to “require that all cigarettes sold in Nevada be automatically extinguishing when not being smoked so they are fire-safe.” I wonder what Pierce was smoking when she came up with this hair-brained idea? I’m betting it was something stronger than tobacco.

Assemblywoman Weber, before she left the Legislature, requested a bill providing for “the implementation of integrated pest management programs in schools.” Of course, if her definition of “pest” means the teachers union, this bill wouldn’t sound so ridiculous at all.

Assemblyman Morse Arberry has requested a truly offensive and racist bill establishing “a commission to provide start-up loans for minority businesses.” White men who want to start a business and hire unemployed Nevadans can just go take a flying leap.

Assemblywoman McClain has requested a bill to establish a “Zero Tolerance for Elder Abuse” pilot program. Just what we need.

Zero tolerance programs, especially when applied to the public schools, has actually meant zero common-sense. Students have been disciplined for violating the “zero tolerance” rules on guns for drawing pictures of rifles and bringing plastic army men to school. Meanwhile, teenage girls bringing Midol to school for menstrual cramps have been popped for violating the school’s “zero tolerance” rules on drugs.

What we really need is a Zero Tolerance bill for stupid Zero Tolerance bills.

There’s also a ridiculous bill request from Sen. Schneider which would force the state to spend an amount of money per pupil which “meets or exceeds the national average.”

Of course, the minute Nevada increases the amount of money spent per pupil, the national average will go up…which means we’ll have to increase the amount of money spent per pupil to meet the new increased national average…which will increase the national average again…and so on and so on. That means we get caught in a never-ending spiral of increased funding for a government monopoly that will suck no matter how much money we spend on it.

Ah, and let’s not forget Assemblyman Bobzien’s “Daniel Boone” bill to provide for “the issuance of an apprentice hunting license which allows hunting under the supervision of a mentor hunter.” Isn’t such a license already covered under…the Second Amendment?

And I can just imagine Sen. Nolan wearing one of those kid’s propeller beanies when he submitted his BDR to “ensure personal scooter safety.” Nothing more important than getting the government involved in “scooter” regulation, right? What a doofus.

And lest you think the rookies coming to Carson City for the first time aren’t up the challenge, Assemblywoman Mastroluca has requested a bill providing for taxpayer- or employer-funded “leave for parents who work during school hours.” Subsidized day-care for other people’s children. How…Hillary-ish.

Meanwhile, the Invisible Candidate, Sen. Copening, has just the fix for what ails public education: a BDR requiring school districts “to transition to using non-toxic cleaning products.” Oy vey.

Even Washoe County has gotten in the act by requesting a bill to add a “fuel surcharge” fee to speeding tickets to offset the cost of gas used by cops to pull you over and give you the ticket. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Now, this one really kills me. There’s a bill to increase the fee for a marriage license to fund the Account for Aid for Victims of Domestic Violence. Nothing says “I love you” like paying a fee to aid your soon-to-be life partner in case you give him or her a black eye. Or in the case of former Assemblywoman Francis Allen, a steak knife in the forearm!

There are also all kinds of “studies” requested on all kinds of things. You see, in the real world when someone sees a problem…they fix it. In the La-La-Land of Legislative Lolly-gagging, they commission a “study.” And there’s no taxpayer-funded study more important than the study requested by the Assembly Committee on Elections, Procedures, Ethics, and Constitutional Amendments on “issues relating to women incarcerated in Nevada.”

But perhaps the most dangerous and frightening of all the silly BDRs which have been submitted thus far come from that same Assembly Committee on Elections, Blah, Blah, Blah.

One would destroy the Founding Fathers’ system of electing presidents state by state and replace it with the election of the president by National Popular Vote. It’s hard to imagine anything which would be more offensive to Thomas Jefferson & Company.

The other would open our entire electoral system to massive fraud by eliminating “the deadline for registering to vote in an election.” If this “same-day registration” BDR ever makes it into law, any illegal alien with a fake ID will be able to walk into any polling location on Election Day and vote for the Democrat of their choice. Any Republican who goes along with this proposal ought to be horse-whipped. But then again, I’m sugar-coating it.

To wrap all of this up, the most important BDR of all might well be Assemblyman Carpenter’s bill asking for money “to fund a public health nurse in Elko County.” Considering how sick all of the above is likely to make Nevada citizens and taxpayers, a taxpayer-funded nurse might just be what the doctor ordered!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Posted on December 24th, 2008 by Chuck Muth
Filed under: Nevada